I try to say goodbye & I choked...Walk away & I stumbled

God knows how imperfect I am.
I was all mixed with all the lousy ingredients, inside out.
Ain't pretty and ain't wonderful.
And I know that.

Putting physique aside,I probably have one of the worst kinda personality and character around.
Those who dont have the intimate contact with me wont discover...likely.
But I'm not going to tell you how lousy I am here and then makes you think I am trying to earn some booster points.

I hate to feel my 'internal' world being violated and then lonely all over again.
It's the effort,feel,thought,idea of restart everything on each new week that worn me up.
And I'm scare too.

I depend alot of Jason.
The reason why I seem so "isolated" from him,trying to deviate all my emotions during each parting is becos' I refused to feel so sad.

I thought,if God wants me to give up one ability,I would likely to choose the ability to talk if I must.
I am not a verbal person.
I do love to talk and mimic in accents when I'm happy.But when I'm upset,I just can't utter a word.
It's not because of I'm beat that I dont talk.But I just cant talk when I am feeling upset.
I dunno how to tell everyone that I dont feel happy.
Yes it's very easy to read my mood of the day but I just cant express in words when I am upset.

I am not angry with Jason all of the times,I know which is right and wrong at the back of my mind.
I am not unreasonable but again what makes me not such brat?(When I am behaving like that all the time?)

I'm not trying to self evaluate my weakness and then change cos' this is not a weakness,but a trait of mine which I won't change(much as I hate it) , and wont like it if you want me to change.
I am sorry enough to let such a trait of mine to cause unhappiness each time cos' I cant or wont talk...But what do you want me to do?
I tried to verbalise my sadness in words but I think I rather eat sardine and faint with it choking in my throat.
(I don't eat sardines!)

Maybe I'm a weakling but I am not at work.
I know exactly and have a own degree of control when I'm at work.
So Monday to Friday is like...Mich @ work.
I never or very rarely meet Jason during weekdays.
Much to my astonishment but I guess it can't be help and it may not be a bad thing either.

Usually my Saturday is like a minute compared to a hour. I mean it just passes way too fast for me to remember that I'm happy.
I never wear watch on weekends cos' I am afraid to see how fast the hours passed.

So you get what I mean by now?
I dont have anyone to rely on and I dont wanna rely too much on anyone else.
I am scare,so scare of being alone.
Yet I am a realist at these.
I just learned that things wont stay the way that they are forever,you would be by yourself eventually so why not learn to deal with it?
And that makes me too scare to commit my 100% to one.

But Jason had become a support.
I hate it when we are meeting so little already and don't like it when time on a Saturday has to pass that fast. (As opposed to the forever 4 long hours after lunch at work.)
Usually I am not very pleased when that little time on a Saturday has to be shared or compromise.

I felt that it's not I'm being selfish and won't allow/like it Jason to go and play some (soccer) games with his group of expatriate mates,going back(early) to watch matches,or simply just visit his family.
Honestly I have nothing against any of each thing he wanna do cos' he is always doing things to make me happy.
So this would contradicts what I felt I was right.

I am selfish!
My insecurity and all drives my selfishness and now you know how much of a fucked up person I am inside!

I tried to be different and want to do things that he like too.
There's an Arsenal match tonight at 8.45pm and I knew I made him missed alot of Arsenal matches.

He is crazy about soccer,about Arsenal,about Thiery Henry.-_- But not for nothing.
It's not just about being crazy over somethin,I guess it is the passion and the appreciation of someone and something good.
It's not that same kinda craziness like stupid fans literally worshipping another human.
Although it doesnt mean I will be crazy over soccer too,learn about history of Arsenal,read about the biography of T.Henry.
But I am never against that.

I really wish that he would skip this match just to spend more time with me tonight.
But I already know that he really want to go back early and watch it today.
I cant pretend to be happy and smile when I really feel sad,yea?
The best I could do is not to kick a storm cos' it isnt right to do so. In the first place,I wasnt angry.
When I am mute,it doesnt mean that I am angry all the time.

He did want to send me home at least but I have already made up my mind to let him be home in time to watch that match.
I just didnt do that in a gracious manner...cos' I couldnt.
I am really sad about that and you wouldnt expect me to smile and kiss you goodbye.

So I ,once again crumpled the date.


I guess with a personality like mine,it is really hard to ...really like it?
I mean I dont even like myself sometimes.
You may not agree cos' you dunno.

I would have dump myself if I were Jason?
Even if I'm a stupid SG cretin guy, I wont even take a second look of myself.

I dont think I am equipped with what it takes to attract someone else,be it looks or personality or brain.(zippo,I am not never in the brain department.)

And when someone out there really likes me,I didnt treat them like what they deserved.

Shutting all these critic thoughts,when the lift doors shut...my tears downed.

Cos' I am just sad that this Saturday sucked because of me and it ended with me alone.



Yes...

I am such a baby,I know.